This is my first post. The first with the purpose of sharing my life as wife and mom. And by sharing to learn more about me and about what God wants of me as wife, mother and woman, in my family, right in time He gave to me.
Also, I think, maybe sharing and letting available in blogsphere thoughts written, could help, who knows, a little bit to anyone who in need, arrive to this words.
Title comes, because today, just when I put my first step at stairs of Church, arriving to daily Mass, I fell.
Yes! In such a foolish way... ...completely to the floor! Down with my two poor skinny knees... ...thanks to my Guardian Angel my hands were very helpful and finally I don´t have any wound, neither broken bone. I was wearing my favourite mom-who-runs shoes and rough new le.vis jeans!
The positive thing is that the fall created such lightning right in the middle of my life. How much I needed that!!!
Just for the curious: The only consequece —I hope— is that as I write I feel is a little pain in neck and upper back. Exactly in the way you feel when a another car has hit yours from the back.
Well, going back to the subject...
Just before fall, I feel completely exhausted because intensity and creativity of "vacation" with my 4-year-old son, and my beatiful 2 year-old little doll. Besides, I got some kind of a virus last week and that leave me a one-week sinusitis, some nights of past weekend without complete sleep because children with normal fever episode and allergic cough, typical of weather. Dear husband working a lot, happy, but in extreme stress, also fighting continuously with opportunistic viruses. Bills, daily errands, strategic business and foundation issues and many, many, projects, ideas and day-by-day tasks, all of this flying in my mind during the day and that come from last year commitment... ...particularly support and colaboration with "A Martha trying to be Mary" on achieving that Na.Pro Technology and Creig.hton Model Ferti.lity Care Sys.tem becomes available to families and women in this Guadalupe Mother´s land. That´s another story later I should write... ...indeed by she I has been inspired to create and get compromise by this blog, despite my apparently full-agenda of mom and social entrepreneur by our own.
So "the fall" by itself and circumpstances make me to feel completely in the floor, emotionally speaking also. But, what happen when you fall?! That you cannot go down further. Right!?
Instantanly, I began to see in my mind a series of very quicky "snapshots" of my life during last 22 years:
- My mom's death at 44 and me her oldest at 19, her undiagnosed breast cancer, our fragile family headed by a confused- in-pain man, myself in first year of college, two handsome but young men between16-17 years and a 7 year old, very loved "little" sister. How to continue after having lost the battle of 5 years against cancer, and without explanation and missing the most beautiful and practical woman we ever met?
- Also dad's bipolar disorder during 18 years, a year after mom passed away (including a suicide attempt, why not?). And years later, that seemed as centuries for me, a very quick, very agressive and absolutely unexpected cancer with very emotional last days and finally death.. ...three years ago... ...Oh my daddy ! He was an achiever. By sure I will dedicate many chapters to my adventures with him.
- Going through a very difficult financial situation because my dear Dad had to leave his succesful fundraising career. He become completely depressed, with no diagnose. With no idea about bipolarity (it is not as in the movies). Unexperienced and dreamful teenagers (my next brother and I) took the task of closing contracts with a very big hospital and a huge university engaged for leading 4-5 years Capital Campaigns each one, isolated in pain and with no idea of how to do things. We had to close the firm which happened that despite having over 30 employees and associates, nobody wanted to lead the way as my father did over 30 years of hard work. But how can my brother and I can do anything more? We were in our first years at college, so the only thing that we had clear in that moment was about graduate for our futures. That is why I began to work since that time by my own, and the reason why later I met the man who I married later.
- Significant moments of journey of joyful, but very intense due following marriage vocation against ordinary. Years of love and work together (I really mean together, as partners) DH (whom we call Pp) and I, living that time childless, but very appasionately since age 23, including all this years of unexplained biological infertility (yes I know you understand, illness, shadow of bipolar disorder and cancer, surgeries, lost of and ovarium after a long Clom.id intake, exhaustion, fibromialgia, depression, fear, fogginess, dizziness and all unexplainable moods and symptoms related to my condition;
Why I remembered all this? I don't know exactly.
And I cried for a long time at Mass and when I drove back to home. I begged God that everything stops... ...in that moment I feeled that I couldn't suffer more... ...but seconds later, with total peace, I realized the nature of my petition I asked him to give me the force to maintain my eyes in the goal: arriving one day to his house, after living what His inmense Mercy has considered to me as His Will.
But I have to confess: I am exhausted!! Is NOT fear to follow His Will. It is only ABSOLUTE TIREDNESS.
It has been very intense, but following to paradox of Death and Resurrection, with such pain many, many kinds of blessings have rained in form of roses all over my heart during this years! Blessings that have make our life very fruitful! I promise I'll write about each one in the future. You will enjoy! For example the day we received our first son, Josemaria! Or the day Mariabeatriz, our princess came to our lives forever! Or when we had the oportunity to collaborate to the visit of John Paul II to Cuba, and many other amazing and vocational social projects on behalf children, family, Church and social advancement for Mexico. Anyway, you will hear.
So here I am. Figuring my new life. Yes, NEW LIFE. I decided that when I was pampering my knees and hands, seated feelling miserable in the stairs, because I couldn´t get up. Staring, since this was the only view available from the position I was, Our Lady´s of the Peace eyes up in the altar, and leaning right in front of Saint Charbel statue... ...what God-incidences! ;)
I have to say that definetly, I received beautiful "lively" inspiration by the reading, I have been doing during holiday weeks around an exceptional "sisterhood" of extraordinary, corageous and faithful women, who live in their flesh —literally— the Cross of Infertility, as many of you have named our common suffering. Thank to you all! The fact that you shared your very personal stories through the blogsphere has help to change my life and decide to start a new one since right now.
It has been an incredible Christmas 2010 present! Why? Because I live in my own flesh this painful and sometimes incomprenhensible for the world, but extremely delicate and intimate, pain in cooperation—at least I try every minute to do so— with the Cross of Our Lord. I firmly believe that we, these women, are like many of the insignificant women the Gospel speaks about, asking insistently for a miracle to Our Lord. Particularly, my heart is maintained alive, by this passage:
"Now there was a woman who had suffered from a haemorrhage for twelve years; after long and painful treatment under various doctors, she had spent all she had without being any the better for it; in fact, she was getting worse. She had heard about Jesus, and she came up through the crowd and touched his cloak from behind, thinking, 'If I can just touch his clothes, I shall be saved.' And at once the source of the bleeding dried up, and she felt in herself that she was cured of her complaint. And at once aware of the power that had gone out from him, Jesus turned round in the crowd and said, 'Who touched my clothes?' His disciples said to him, 'You see how the crowd is pressing round you; how can you ask, "Who touched me?" 'But he continued to look all round to see who had done it. Then the woman came forward, frightened and trembling because she knew what had happened to her, and she fell at his feet and told him the whole truth. 'My daughter,' he said, 'your faith has restored you to health; go in peace and be free of your complaint.' Mark 5, 25-34
Isn´t God speaking directly to us?
How many times I have find myself thinking, just THINKING I mean, when going to receive the Holy Communion: "Jesus, please, this cycle, please"... murmuring... "a baby, just one little baby, please". Anyway, in my case, this haven't ever happened... ...not at least in the last almost 17 years we have been married. And it didn't happened in the way though: biologically. But finally we received the blessing of children of God by another, and more (how can I say?) creative and cooperative way: A-dop-tion!
Marvelous, ancient and honorable institution: Becoming parents by work, will, law, faith, patience, endurance, and most of all, a lot of "papers". Ha, ha, ha, at least I have found an explanation to the Adrenal Fatigue, that (gloriously?!) was diagnosed last year.
The change in my life I decided is to completely stop and see back, forgive and continue in a new attitude. More focused to what I have and not to what I don't.
Well, this is only my first post, so further I will write down all the story... ...the story of the journey through life, we exactly choose to began to live since the19th of march of 1994! (OMG! And I still have something to chart!) With Saint Joseph as patron of our marriage. Imagine that? Patron Saint of adoptive families, our Patron Saint since the very beginning. I firmly believe it was a sign since then, that I couldn't even imagine.
Frankly speaking, this task will be a little bit difficult, since my maternal language is not English. So I apologize and ask for your comprehension. By sure, my lack of vocabulary and undeveloped skills will cause disruptions of all kinds over your beautiful and concrete language. In the other hand, because I prefer to navigate and read with my ipod, I am a little bit scared about if I will achieve seating frequently and with discipline to write in laptop...
...but as I have learned in many of the "practical sessions" of the"Emotional Doctorate" that has been my life util "The Fall", life which I began to share...